I tried to stop someone from taking her life about 14 and a half years ago, failed, and it still haunts me on some days. Been thinking of finding a counsellor who specifies in grief, it’s never too late. Got a few services in mind, just need to make the call.

My marriage. In all my past relationships, it usually takes me about as long as the relationship lasted to get my feet back under me, but in this case, that time would be 10 years, so I really hope it won’t take that long. I’m on year 4 now. I read somewhere that men take longer to get over romantic relationships, because usually their romantic partner is also their best friend, and mine was no exception. We broke up because we shouldn’t have gotten married in the first place. I was in active alcoholism, and despite us both knowing that I wanted children, and she absolutely did not, we plowed ahead regardless. It seems stupid, but we truly loved each other. Heck, I guess we still love each other, we just have acknowledged that we’re not compatible in a way that severely limits our long term goals. It sucks. Logically, I should be able to just get right back on with dating, but it hasn’t been so easy.

There’s been multiple things standing in the way. First and foremost, some childhood trauma that had been trying to resurface for as long as I was an active alcoholic. Add that into a severely dysfunctional family dynamic, and you get a big ol’ mess that I’m only now starting to emerge from. I’m back to browsing tinder, and even though I do fine with matches, I just haven’t the energy to message anybody. Like, I just assume that they’re going to waste my time, and so I just sit by myself instead. I’m trying to become the person that would attract my ideal partner, so I’ve been putting extra time in at the gym, and have refocused on some hobbies of mine, like writing, and performing stand-up comedy. But even those seem like a chore sometimes.

My whole life. All the time that was taken from me, and all I can do now is run and never hide from that shit and people associated with that shit. It might end up taking my job or apartment because some random people assumed I can’t work and live on my own despite working and living on my own.

Nothing will lessen the pain as everyone believes I deserved to be abused and that I should just know my place in society as a thing everyone abuses and nothing else. I should just get over it and accept that I’m less than everyone else and that I’m not a human being.

The same people abusing me, locking me away from society, and raising me to be a burden they wish died already so they wouldn’t need to deal with me anymore would fight tooth and nail for me to not kill myself though. I’m loved somehow. But when I’m not trying to die, you want me to die. Which is it?

Actually nothing happened. I’m mourning nothing. I was a spoiled child who had everything and a perfect childhood with everything. Nothing ever happened to me.