My ex called me a narcissist (deflection), to which friends and my therapist tried to beat out of me, and as the relationship progressed both of your points become painfully obvious. Everything became about them, and if there wasn’t an immediate benefit for them, they didn’t give a fuck. They’d gladly let me pay to see them (ldr), let me move closer to them and burden me financially (I’m disabled), pay for meals, gifts, etc whenever we were together. Then they’d push away ideas I had to try new things in the relationship, but every idea he had was seemingly great, and everyone they slept with (open relationship) was reportedly wonderful and kinky - um, hello, right in front of you. It was like if I wasn’t aggressively dominating the fuck out of the entire relationship all the time, he’d take over and be a backseat driver who only gave a fuck about himself and degrade me for it (not in the fun way). No fucks given about what makes me happy, what I’m worried about, what I want in life and with him, or that it’s screaming him in the face that I shower him with affection while I screw myself financially to make him happy. It became that nothing was good enough, that giving everything wasn’t a high enough bar. Then I made the mistake of putting my foot down, for the first meaningful time in the relationship, and said no over something quite trivial in the grand scheme of things, but that bothered me deeply (piercing/body mod plans), and he went off the rails and used that as a springboard to blame me for literally anything and everything, even shit he made up on the spot and for months later, and dump me like a useless sack of shit. We were engaged and had been together for 6 years. The cracks started to form after year 2, but I wouldn’t notice until year 4. Fun.
So yeah, I’d even simplify your points further, and just say ‘does everything revolve around them?’ and if so, fucking run. It will hurt less in the long run. :(
the 3 people who use it finally spoke up I guess