Online dating is brutal and something I learned to avoid. But if you go that route, don’t make it more than it is. If you think of any part of it as a once in a blue moon opportunity, you’re going to go through hell with nothing to show for it. For both practical results and your mental health, it can’t feel important. When you’re lonely and trying to find someone, it’s really hard to get into that mentality, but it’s crucial.

A match is nothing. Meeting up for the first time is barely interesting. Don’t expect anything from it. Don’t get your hopes up. It’s literally just a conversation. So go into it looking to have a fun conversation. Having fun with it is winning because it makes you more fun to be around, and even if you only have fun conversations you’re still having fun.

Fun is the goal. If you end up making a friend or two out of it, that’s a bonus. You might meet even more people through those new friends. Keep at it long enough and the numbers work in your favor. But that could be a while, so this is just some fun thing you do, like your daily Duolingo lesson. Neither is that serious or useful … but kinda. ish.

I can assume there’s a lot of missing context and detail because a long term relationship can’t be condensed into a text post, but even then this is the hardest thing to excuse: “couples therapy would be a waste because it’s your fault anyway.” The first thing you learn in couples therapy is that blame is not helpful. You both play a role in how the relationship is going. As long as they’re convinced you’re the main problem, this can’t be fixed. It’s a flawed and hurtful assumption that actively makes the problem worse. If they can’t take some ownership over their own actions and needs, you’ll just be caught in an endless cycle of getting blamed for everything while nothing you do is ever good enough. Sound familiar?

I’m not going to assume they’re toxic or that the relationship is doomed. Those are questions worth asking yourself, but we don’t have enough information. They could also just be a normal person that never learned how to have healthy relationships when things get tough, and they’re stuck in a maladaptive pattern. It’s those people that benefit most from couple’s therapy. If you go that route, Gottman and EFT are good choices, but I understand it’s expensive. It can still be helpful to buy the books and read through them on your own (John Gottman has many, and Sue Johnson some as well). I would be wary of anybody who tries too hard to avoid or discredit it, though. That’s a red flag to me.

For your situation, once your partner stops seeing you as the problem, you can start seeing each other as allies against a problem you need to solve together. In the example you gave here, I see earplugs as a remarkably simple and effective solution that’s very easy to figure out when you’re not laser focused on the ADHD bogeyman being at fault for everything. If you’re going to be up later for whatever reason, they can just use earplugs and not be disturbed. No hurt, no rushing home, you can even take care of the dishes. If that’s not good for some reason, there are other things like white noise, sleep aids, etc. The point is to break down the problem into what each of you need, then work together to find a solution that serves both of you. No more, no less. If one of your needs is not getting met or one of you consistently has trouble doing the thing, then find a different solution.

You’ve also said they feel you don’t care because of the forgetfulness. I don’t think it’s that simple. Obviously, I would take those feelings seriously, but you can have a healthy relationship with a partner who feels cared for and be very forgetful. The problem is that the relationship isn’t healthy right now. Even if you remembered everything perfectly, that fact wouldn’t change. I think it’s more that the forgetfulness is like a trigger or a reminder of these latent feelings that are always there. But even if there are things you can do to make them feel more cared for, this didn’t happen in isolation and it didn’t happen overnight. You’re stuck in a pattern with each other based on learned expectations and reactions that built up over years. Figuring those out and learning how to untangle them is what a good couples therapist helps you with. That’s why their response to the suggestion is inexcusable.

I can’t help with your primary request, but on the chance that you aren’t able to find a better solution, it seems worth mentioning that four months is probably too long. I’m not an expert or anything, but I did look into it when I had to take a drug test. If someone has corrections to what I found, I would be interested to hear them because it may not be the last I have to deal with it either.

What I learned is that exact time varies, but two months is on the long end. One month is common. You can even test negative in as little as two weeks, but it requires specific effort and still might not be enough if the test is really strict or sensitive.

There are a lot of tricks for trying to quickly prepare for a drug test, but the most simple and reliable if you aren’t on a major time crunch is just fiber and water. Eat lots of greens and stay hydrated. That helps your body naturally get rid of the THC, making 3-4 weeks a more likely time frame.

If he’s already suffering through a detox, you can at least shorten that by quite a bit. Also, it will get easier over time. While weed is way less addictive and easier to get off of than a lot of other drugs, it still has side effects like the ones you’re describing when you try to quit.

I still hope you find a better doctor, but don’t lose hope even if you can’t. This is doable and it’s not as impossible as it seems. It is bullshit and unfair though. Best of luck to you both.